Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
