The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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