she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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