Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
