why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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