He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
