i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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