a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
