fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Green mimosas i think yes
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
