I wish my penis had an off switch
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
