i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
