I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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