based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I believe in your delicious
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
