I'm eating all of the evidence.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
