Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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