the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
