Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
