I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
