guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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