just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
