just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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