You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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