1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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