My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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