he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
what the fuck happened to the tacos
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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