i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
