You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
