and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Welp...herpes.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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