did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
