mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
