i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
