But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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