Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
In other news, I just burned my penis
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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