Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
