I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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