I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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