Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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