Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
