I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
