Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
