Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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