I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
