Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
