I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
