I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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