I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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