So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
