Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
