if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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