Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
