i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
