Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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