I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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