My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
