don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
