She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize