life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
