I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
