The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize