I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
