meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I need to calm my uterus...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
