I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
