I'm so fucking centered right now
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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